Episode 1 - My Story
In this first episode of Heartfelt Conversations with Mama Gee, listeners will be introduced to a little of Diana’s background and how sexual abuse, fear, shame, and feelings of unworthiness were the beginning stages of a life-long journey on broken roads of more abuse, the death of a child, multiple marriages, violence and more. During each episode, Diana will share some of her deepest fears and nightmares. On this journey of finding wholeness in a broken world, she will introduce the God she once thought was to blame for all her pain and reveal the True Living God she has come to know and trust.
Diana’s Notes
Welcome to Heartfelt conversations with Mama Gee. My name is Diana, and I will be your host. Before we begin this healing journey together on the next episode, El Roi- The God Who Sees Me, I thought I would take this time to introduce myself and give you a little background history of my personal story.
By the world’s standards, I am no one special. I am not a music star, I am not a movie star, I’m not worth millions of dollars - I am an ordinary person who has lived a life filled with fear, rejection, terror, abuse, tragedy, death, guilt, and shame. And through it all I have finally come to realize that I have had the most precious treasure of all; God’s unfailing, unending love. He never, ever gave up on me.
Deuteronomy 31:8 tells us:
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you.
I abandoned Him, and rarely bothered to follow His lead - But He was always there.
In this episode, I won’t get into all the details of my life and to be honest, in future episodes it may be very hard. Hard for you, as you begin a path of healing and restoration; and for me as I share areas that have been real struggles in my life, in hopes that by being vulnerable and open, you will discover for yourself the amazing grace and love of my Savior.
When I was young, I was called dumb a lot. I don’t believe the words spoken were said out of malice or were intended to crush my spirit or destroy my self worth, but the nickname DD Dumb Dumb stuck in my brain like a bad sound byte and played over and over in my mind. I believed as a small, young child that I was unwanted and that I was dumb, stupid, ridiculous.
I shied away from conversations with people because I was so afraid that they would discover that I was dumb, if they didn’t already know it. I primarily grew up on a farm so it was easy to stay to myself. I had a very tender, timid, sensitive heart and I think I came to love animals so much and they became my best friends because they didn’t make fun of me. They weren’t mean or rude.They were just happy and excited to see me when I would come outside to play. If a stray wandered onto our property, I would want to rescue them and take them in. I think I became a rescuer because I needed to be rescued.
One summer, I believe I was around 8 or so, I went to spend the summer with some cousins who lived a few states away. During that summer, my uncle began touching me in ways that no little girl should be touched. Because I was convinced that I was dumb, that there was something defective about me, I was too afraid and too ashamed to say anything to anyone. I was sure that no one would believe me and terrified that they would tell me it was my fault.
I was embarrassed , afraid, and ashamed so I buried it deep inside and kept it hidden.
That fall, when school started, I ended up in speech therapy. I had developed a stuttering problem and couldn’t get my words out. My speech therapist was so kind and so gentle. I came to look forward to when she would come to pull me out of class because it was the only time I felt safe and not anxious. Other kids were taking speech therapy because they couldn’t say their S’s or T’s. I remember asking her if those kids got teased and made fun of, I worried about them. I didn’t like seeing other kids get picked on. I knew how much it hurt. Somehow she made me her helper and part of my therapy became helping the younger students practice their S’s and T’s. Looking back, I see now that by helping others, I forgot all about my own speech problems and by the end of the year I was not stuttering anymore. My speech therapist encouraged me to think about going into education or even be a therapist like her. I wanted to, it made me feel good helping others, but I was convinced I was just too dumb.
A few years later when I was between 11 or 12, the cousins I went to spend the summer with, came to live with us. They were a few years older than me. I think my one cousin was entering the 9th grade and he brother was entering the 11th. Anyway, my one cousin picked up where his father left off and the nightmare of being sexually abused began all over again. Between him sneaking into my bed and my mom sending me out as a “chaperone” on dates with my other cousin, I saw things, and experienced things that kids- preteens, young teens should not. I’m not sure why my mom thought it was a good idea to send me out on those dates. I guess she thought that if I was present, there in the car with them, it would prevent them from partying or having sex, but it didn’t, ever. I was a really shy, vulnerable, gullible, naive kid who had a really hard time processing everything I was being exposed to. I remember covering my ears and closing my eyes as tight as I could, but I could hear everything and I could smell their sexual encounters. The years they lived with us made me feel sick, dirty and resent my mom so much for bringing them into my home.
My aunt and uncle lived very perverted sexual lives,they brought their own children into their sickness and it found its way into my home.
I don’t know your history, your background or what your sexual opinions are, but I will be straightforward and tell you this, if you think a child grade school age is old enough to decide sexual matters for themselves, you are wrong, and neither do young teenagers.
I have personal experience in this area and I will strongly and confidently tell you that no child, no teen, should ever be exposed to sexual situations. Our brains, our wiring at that age is too delicate to handle adult matters. If you are a parent and listening and you have children or young teens in your home, I pray, I beg you, do everything you can to keep your child’s innocence for as long as you can. It will play a huge part in their physical, mental, spiritual, and overall health. Their personhood, self identity, and well-being will just be healthier as they mature and grow into adulthood.
For nearly fifty years I struggled in life, about life. Because of fear, humiliation, guilt, anger; I developed a deeply rooted misunderstanding of who God really was and how He really saw me. I spent years in the wilderness of misery, stranded on an isolated mental island feeling like a misfit, rejected by God and the whole world.
As an adult, I walked through my life angry and frustrated with everything and everyone. My brokenness had turned into bitterness, and bitterness is only poison for the soul. Eventually I had a breakdown. I pulled away from my family, even my own children. I felt so lost, so confused. Everything felt like it was crushing me. I didn’t know who I could trust. I stopped going to church, and even though I didn’t stop believing in God, I turned my back on Him. I thought He had already abandoned me, so I gave up. I gave God the cold shoulder. The truth is I didn’t want to face my past, or who I had become. I ran from the truth because it was dark and ugly and I was so convinced that if I did turn towards God, it would only confirm His rejection of me. It was too hard, too harsh, too unbearable to face. Eventually, and by eventually I really mean close to twenty years later; after I was tired of running from myself and really wanted to heal, for myself, for my kids and grandkids, for all the people I really cared about… Eventually, I had to learn to trust God and that I could trust in Him. I had to learn that He would meet all of my needs, and that only He could heal me from all of the wounds that shattered my heart and damaged my soul.
Two very simple things gave me a life-line to hang onto during the early season of my healing. One was something I heard Joyce Meyer say. “Hurting people hurt people.” It gave me a starting point of learning to forgive others and myself.
The second came from a senior pastor at a church I had started attending off and on. One of the senior pastors at the time, Pastor Beth Jones said “God good, Devil bad.” It was so simple, but so profound for me in the beginning. God brings good things to us. Whenever bad thoughts, guilt or shame would rise up inside of me trying to keep me in bondage and chained to my past, I would remember that simple statement and say it out loud. It began to change the way I saw God. Pastor Beth and Pastor Jeff are now the Founding Pastors of Valley Family Church and their son Eric and daughter-in-love (as they say) Alexa and now the senior pastors. I’ll put a little plug in here for VFC; if you do not yet have a local church that teaches God’s Word, a place you call home, let me extend an invitation to join our live online services at 9Am at valleyfamilychurch.org. Of course you can find VFC on facebook and YouTube. If you join a live service, let the online host know that Diana invited you! LOL
Anyways, I did begin to find my way out of the fog and the wilderness, out of the prison of my own thoughts when I poured my heart out before God, to God. Even though the conversation began out of frustration, betrayal, disappointment and anger, even towards Him, it ended with me feeling His presence, His comfort, His compassion. Deep inside my heart , my soul, it felt like He was holding me as a father, as a loving parent would hold their child tenderly. I felt Him whisper to my heart, “I know. It’s okay, I know everything.”
In 2016 after screaming my head off into a pillow and feeling His presence and that experience, I decided right then to never hide anything from God again.
In Genesis Chapter 3 there is a dialog between God and Adam that really made an impression on me. In the NLT Genesis 3:8-10 reads:
When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man {Adam) and his wife(Eve) heard the Lord God walking about in the garden, so they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “ where are you?”
(Now do you really think that God didn’t already know exactly where they were?)
He (Adam) replied, “I heard You walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.”
God has always intended to have a close, personal relationship with us. He created us because He wanted a family. He wants you and me to be a part of that family.
When we do something wrong we try to hide it, or hide it from ourselves. We can’t be in a close relationship with God, or with anyone, if we try to hide or cover up what we did.
I ran, I hid from God, from life, from myself, and others because of fear. Fear of being exposed. That all my shame would be seen by everyone and I was afraid God would see the truth about me. But God already knows the truth, about everything. We can never hide anything from Him. I nearly destroyed my life out of terror, dread, fearfulness; from trying to hide all the shame and embarrassment, the sin and darkness of my life.
When I read Genesis 3, it spoke to my heart and it made a dramatic shift in my healing. No matter what was going on with me, in me, around me , no matter what; I was going to include God! The good, the bad, and especially the ugly. He knows anyway and He is a gentleman. He will not push Himself on you, He will not force you to do what He knows is best for you. You can include Him in your life, or not; that is up to you. But let me advise you to include Him. Life is so much sweeter with Him in it. Letting go of control seems scary, until you realize that there is really very little you actually have control over to begin with. But when you willingly surrender control to your Creator, and He becomes your Heavenly Father, there is so much freedom that you will never regret it!!
That was the #1 lesson I learned for the beginning of my healing.
Just Ask Him to get involved. Seek Him! Call on Him and don’t hide anything from Him. He will always show up. His mercy and His grace is always enough. But he comes by your invitation only.
Your story, your history probably doesn’t look like mine. Maybe you have never even been to church or believed in God, or accepted Jesus as your personal Savior. That’s okay! Just because you don’t know God, does not mean that He does not know you.
You are one of a kind and your story will be too.
We just had Vision Sunday at my local church(Valley Family Church) and the pastors talked about how God is still writing our stories, our individual, personal story; and He is. He is definitely still writing mine. I have no clue what my life will look like in five years, but for the first time since 1983, when my two year old daughter died, for the first time, I can finally believe that I do have a future. I have hopes, dreams, desires that have all come back to life, resurrected from the grave. I have no doubt as Jeremiah 29:11 says; God has a good plan for me. He knows the plans He has for me, and they are good plans, to give me hope and a future and He wants them for you too. But we have to seek Him wholeheartedly.
Here is the verse from Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Can you imagine your life five years from now? Do you have hopes and dreams and desires; or do you struggle to just make it through the day?
Maybe you wish upon a star for a future but you don’t have faith to really believe it is possible. You don’t know that all things are possible… with God Who will strengthen you.
My hope, my determined purpose is that you will have the opportunity to meet My God, My Savior and the unwavering, unchanging and unmatched loved He has for you!
All of our stories, our journey’s are different, but the pain of rejection, the battles of depression, and the anxieties, struggles with fear and despair, guilt,shame, hopelessness, - all of the things in life that steal our peace and joy and our hopes and dreams; none of these things came from God. He isn’t looking to punish you, beat you up, stress you out and guilt you into brokenness.
I spent decades wishing God would just take my life because I lived with languishing guilt and condemnation over my daughter's death. I was told God took her life to punish me for my sins and I became convinced He left me here to torture me and torment me and pour out His wrath on me because I was a bad, evil person. Unacceptable to Him and to the world. I was twenty years old when she died. But all of this was a lie from my true enemy , and your true enemy, satan; or better known as the father of lies. Our enemy did not want me to know and does not want you to lay hold of this one life altering truth - that God so loved the world, that He so loved me and He so loves you - that He sent His One and Only Son into this dark, broken,sin-filled world to save me, to save you, to rescue us. John 3:16 is a pretty familiar verse to most people:
For God so loved the world That He gave His One and Only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
God so loved the world, you, me , we are part of the world , that whosoever would believe in Him, not the blameless, not the goody goodies, not the rich, the educated, not the elite; this isn’t a club for certain types of people; its for all the “whosoevers”. This eternal life is a FREE gift for anyone who will simply believe in Jesus and receive Him as their Savior.
But for some reason the rest of the message to us is often left out. In verse 17 of John, it goes on to say, For God did not ( read that for yourself) again… For God DID NOT send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.
That is such GREAT NEWS!!!!!
Jesus, God, did not come to beat you up, to make you feel worse about yourself then maybe you already do. He came to give you LIFE, to set you free. Set you free from whatever keeps you in chains, wounded, depressed.
So, as we wrap up this introductory episode, let me leave you with a little encouragement from Psalms 31:7
I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for You have seen my troubles, and You care about the anguish of my soul.
Carry this verse with you through out the week. When you feel alone, when you think no one cares about you or really “gets” you. Know, have hope and find comfort and joy in knowing that the God Who created you, yes you were created by His hands, that He indeed loves you. Just reach out to Him today.
May the God of all comfort, comfort you and keep you close until the next time!
God Bless!
Verses
Deuteronomy 31:8:
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Genesis 3:8-10:
When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man {Adam) and his wife (Eve) heard the Lo
rd God walking about in the garden, so they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “ where are you?” (Now do you really think that God didn’t already know exactly where they were?) Adam replied, “ I heard You walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.”
Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
John 3:16 - 17:
For God so loved the world that He gave His One and Only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.
Psalms 31:7:
I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for You have seen my troubles, and You care about the anguish of my soul.
Matthew 11:29-30 (AMPC): Take MY yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle, (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest, (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good- not harsh, hard, sharp or pressing, but comfortable, gracious and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne.
Diana’s Local Church
Valley Family Church - Pastor’s Eric and Alexa Jones
Other recommended Jesus-centered churches who teach the True Word of God:
Elevation Church - Steven Furtick
Joseph Prince Ministries - Joseph Prince
Joyce Meyer Ministries
There are many other great ministries out there, and these are just a few. The important thing is to find one who teaches the true, living word of God.